PROCEDURES TO FOLLOW IF ARSE IS ON FIRE
1. As an Australia Post employee, it is a high probability that you may not be aware that your arse is on fire.
2. If someone draws your attention to the fact that your arse is on fire, sigh volubly and say, yes, that always happens. Mutter darkly to yourself and then continue with your prescribed task.
3. If you are a supervisor you will certainly not be aware that your arse is on fire.
3a. If a Mail Officer, PDO1 or contractor draws your attention to the fact that your arse is on fire shrug, and walk slowly away and make a cup of coffee before returning to reading the morning paper.
4. If you are an Australia Post manager, file a report with your state manager that significant improvements are being noticed in your initiative for increased thermal energy production in the spine base region amongst staff, consistent with Australia Post's FutureReady plan and four cultural pillars, going forward.
5. At no time should emergency equipment be used to extinguish an arse that is on fire. This equipment is very expensive and using it would add costs to Australia Post's bottom line, and this will, in turn, impact on profitability.