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Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Procedures to follow if arse is on fire


1. As an Australia Post employee, it is a high probability that you may not be aware that your arse is on fire.

2. If someone draws your attention to the fact that your arse is on fire, sigh volubly and say, yes, that always happens. Mutter darkly to yourself and then continue with your prescribed task.

3. If you are a supervisor you will certainly not be aware that your arse is on fire.

3a. If a Mail Officer, PDO1 or contractor draws your attention to the fact that your arse is on fire shrug, and walk slowly away and make a cup of coffee before returning to reading the morning paper.

4. If you are an Australia Post manager, file a report with your state manager that significant improvements are being noticed in your initiative for increased thermal energy production in the spine base region amongst staff, consistent with Australia Post's FutureReady plan and four cultural pillars, going forward.

5. At no time should emergency equipment be used to extinguish an arse that is on fire. This equipment is very expensive and using it would add costs to Australia Post's bottom line, and this will, in turn, impact on profitability.


  1. ...'bottom line'... Genius. Great post.

  2. had a negative moment last week with AusPost. chick behind counter wearing AusPost embroidered jumper said to me "you will need to see Australia Post about that"

    "You are Australiapost"
    "No we are not, we are an australiapost shop"
    they carded my remote box, so that I had to walk a long distance to a bustop to get a small paperback book, on which I had paid $14 postage from the UK.
    They had previously carded me for a magazine (not heavy) I subscribe to. I didn't complain then. sigh. Our mails will be Singapore owned soon I expect. X X

  3. Such, such are the joys that stem from contracting out core services, such as post offices and delivery. You get to shift your risk to small-capital franchisees and trash your brand at the same time! Genius!

    Luckily the Einsteins behind this strategy will be able to pocket their bonuses (bonii?) and clear off before this particular deck of cards comes crashing down. This will all go swimmingly as long as the Communications Minister or the media are able to snore through it all like Enron never happened.

  4. You have a way with words, NOB... :-)

  5. I came here from Diogenes Discourse
    x x annie odyne

    1. annie,

      I note your other comment, which was withheld because it contains facts that are incorrect and assertions that were unproven. But fear not, the facts, and other more interesting assertions are being assembled for a future blog post that you should find most entertaining.

      And yes, it is frustrating that 'the world's best postal service' cannot deliver a paperback.